guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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