We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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