Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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