The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
