Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
