i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
