he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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