I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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