I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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