First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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