She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
