there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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