Swine flu. Run for my life!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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