I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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