If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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