so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
