you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
