Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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