3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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