the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
