Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just had sex on a roof
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
