I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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