I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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