its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
its liver damage thursday
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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