home. puking in laundry basket.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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