We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
