im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
