Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
