Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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