please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
