Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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