i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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