i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
