4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
