I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
