Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
