So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Someone came in the potted fern
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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