mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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