so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
