ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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