I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
