There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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