so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
