My cat gives me a boner
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I need moral support for this bender
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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