Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
