We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
