Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
