I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
