I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
