Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
