the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
